Being generally uninformed, uninterested, and uneducable, I have elected to take the undemanding (and that will be quite enough of the use of the un words, young man!) role of spectator in the raging debate over a proposed Wal-Mart SuperCenter being plopped down within the boundaries of our beloved Shermerville.
In an inspiring example of the democratic process in action, the village’s august citizenry and officialdom have fervently raised a cornucopia of issues, ranging from increased tax revenues (those Glenview cretins stole our Costco!), to impact on property values (the heart and soul of any suburban NIMBY slugfest), to that old reliable concern of “attracting the wrong element” (presumably me). In the spirit of compromise, may I offer a modest proposal? Let’s just forget about the whole debate and get wasted!
I can almost hear the disdain with which my idea is being greeted by outraged readers of this humble blog. What a fine example for an adult (at least chronologically speaking) to set, particularly as we head into the summer season where the police blotters in various local publications are rife with teen drinking escapades! How dare you!
Simmer down. By “wasted” I am not referring to the state we initially experienced in our bygone youthful years. Instead, I literally mean waste, as in hazardous.
It seems our potential corporate neighbors have had a wee bit of a problem in this area, as loudly trumpeted by last week’s headlines such as “Wal-Mart pleads guilty in U.S. hazardous waste cases, to pay $82 million.” Here are the highlights, along with some commentary that I hope provides a useful perspective on the story.
In the breathtaking narrative style that can only be found in government communications, the Justice Department stated that “hazardous wastes were either discarded improperly at the store level — including being put into municipal trash bins or, if a liquid, poured into the local sewer system.”
My reaction? Who among us hasn’t poured some vile concoction down an unsuspecting storm drain on their street, or at least been sorely tempted to do so? In the days of my youth, my Dad poured enough crap into the sewer system that I’m sure my boyhood home is now an EPA cleanup site.
Of course, being a bit of a wuss, the sternly-worded EPA labels now affixed to storm drains have put the kabosh on any low faluting polluting plans I may have had. As clearly as I can tell, based on standing in my street like an idiot reading the EPA’s warning, I will go to jail for at least 30 years if I pour anything down my storm drain more toxic than a bottle of Perrier.
Back to the story. The government says that investigators found "piles of multicolored unknown fertilizer type substances and torn sacks of ammonium sulfate" at one of the company's stores in California, after learning a child had been playing on a pile of "yellowish colored powder" near the store's garden department.”
Sounds bad, I know, but let’s not rush to judgment here. When my kids were younger there were plenty of times where I felt that a little ammonium sulfate rubdown might get them to straighten up and fly right. But shouldn’t that be the decision of the parents, not corporate America?
Finally, the Justice Department's Environmental Crimes Section stated that Wal-Mart’s public flogging was the runner-up in the environmental criminal fines world, trailing only the $4 billion that BP had to cough up after the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.
I bet the boys in Bentonville are seething that they put in all that effort, only to have to settle for the silver medal. Leave it to Big Oil to show off, I always say! But, this part of the story also generated a final, more practical reaction in me. That is, if BP ever approaches our adjacent lakeshore neighbor about dropping in an offshore oil rig off the coast of say, Glencoe Beach, the fine folks in that suburb may want to politely decline.
